Third installment

The last items to go in my bergan were photographs, three in all, as I packed them I stared at the faces, the first being that of my wife, it had been taken on honeymoon in Greece and all I could see in her eyes was love and happiness, different to now, we had had a great time during that holiday. The second and third were photos of her children and the family, both taken on our wedding day, that had been a beautiful and memorable day. All the faces looked full of happiness, this was how I wanted to remember them, this was our life before, I started to wish it was like that now but I knew that I could not allow myself to indulge too much in memories. This was a critical time and I knew that if I thought too much I would not be able to go, it was hurting more and more especially as my time of departure was almost upon me.

The final decision to go was taken, the Croatians needed people like me who were either stupid or brave, I didn't know which I was, my wife would survive without me and I hoped she would be happier on her own with the children. There were a lot of friends that she could turn to if she got into any difficulties, financially or emotionally, I could not let that powerful emotion love cloud my judgment now. It was now the night before I was due to leave and my wife went out to her friends as had become usual taking the children with her, I sensed that she knew something was going on but she said nothing to find out what it was, I knew that she wanted to say something but also I knew she would not be able to stop me whatever she decided to say. The packed bergan that was upstairs I brought down as soon as she had left and hid it behind the couch. The last item's to go in before I closed the bergan was my coin collection that I hoped to sell in London which hopefully would give me enough money for food on the journey ahead, the bergan was now full and so I closed it.

"Had l made the right decision" I asked myself, only time would tell.My passport, driving license, bus ticket and money were the only things left so I got them and put them in my jacket, I was ready and just in time as my wife returned. Instead of coming in and watching TV she without saying a word went upstairs and put the children to bed, she came back down but only to tidy up before going to bed herself. The room was empty and I was alone, myself and my thoughts about our home where we had been so happy. Those thoughts were the only things to keep me company, I found myself listening to songs that my wife and I enjoyed and remembering. The volume was reasonable loud because subconsciously I wanted my wife to come and stop me but I didn't think that she would and I was not going to go up to our bedroom, she was now probably asleep and it would be better if I did not disturb her. There was one last thing that I thought I must do so I decided to write a letter hoping that this would explain why I had to leave. Throughout my life I had never been able to explain anything orally but I could always write what I thought so I sat down at the table and wrote, after trying several times I was happy as I could be with the last attempt at a letter of explanation so I put it in an envelope and sealed it. I put my wife's name on it and put it where she could find it easily, what a disgraceful way to leave but it was the only way. 

After managing to sleep for just a few hours the alarm clock woke me from my uneasy slumber, I washed and brushed my teeth in the kitchen downstairs not wanting to wake anyone up, dressed, looked around and put the house keys with the letter. There was only one thing left to do and that was to take what might be my last look at everyone, I took my boots off and crept upstairs. First Colin the youngest boy who I would miss the most, then the three girl's, Amilia, Nelly and Joan the eldest whom I really never got on with, two bedrooms left, Donald's where he was sleeping soundly and last of all my dear wife's bedroom, I turned the handle and opened the door, she was all curled up the same way that she always slept and I wondered whether she was really asleep, deep down I wanted to wake her then hug and kiss her but I knew that I couldn't I had to go or I would never be able to, back downstairs I crept and replaced my boots, put my coat on and slung the bergan over my shoulders. One last look to check and see that I had everything and after satisfying myself I opened the door quietly like a thief leaving the scene, only the dog was there to see me off on my journey "take good care of everyone Tex" I said to her, I closed the door, went down the street and started to walk away from the house, I could feel the tear's beginning to form in my eyes but I hadn't cried since my grandfather died so I held them back. As I walked away I wondered if my wife was looking through the curtains but I doubted it, no time to dally I had to go now. People were dying for what they believed in and all I was doing was thinking about crying, I knew which of these things was the most important the people and soldiers in Croatia.