Ninth installment

The next morning we awoke rather late and went to see what was happening, Kirk was there and he told us that we would be going on a recce with two of his men so Alan and I went off to get ready. We returned and Kirk gave us our weapons back and also gave Alan sniper rifle as that was about all that he could fire with any amount of accuracy, the other two came in and Kirk told us that we were to go no more than five hundred meters in front of our lines, see if we could see anything and then return without getting into any trouble, he smiled as he said it. We left in the Landrover and soon reached our lines, neither Alan nor I had been on a recce in front of this point before so it was all new territory to us. We hung about a while as we had to make sure that everybody knew that we were in front of our lines, I looked at the terrain and couldn't help but think that it was a bit risky. Directly in front of us was a road leading into the distance, either side was a minefield and in front of that was tall grass bordered on either side by woods. On the road was a couple of tank traps with two anti-tank mines in front of them, if we were to get shot at out there we would not have stood a chance as the road was totally open,

"I don't like the looks of this" I said to Alan who was just behind me,

"recces are never safe and if that's the way that we have to go then we go" he replied,

I had to agree with him and after a further five minutes we set off. The two Croatians went first and second followed by myself and Alan bringing up the rear. We arrived at the tank traps and proceeded through slowly so as not to set the mines off, once we were through the Croatians turned around, 

"there's more mines here" he said,

I looked down and could only just about make them out as they were partially buried, I knew that Alan would have difficulty in seeing them so I turned around to tell him, 

"Alan mines" I shouted.

"where" he replied,

"stop....." I didn't finish,

as I turned around to point them out he stood on one. All I saw was Alan there one second and the earth erupting the next, I was lying in the field next to the road as I had been thrown into the air by the force of the explosion and the backs of my legs were stinging and as I looked down I saw that my trousers had been ripped to pieces. The Croatians came running back and asked if I was alright, I couldn't hear a thing, they were just trying to pick me up, 

"what about Alan, is he alright" I shouted,

They didn't say a word not that I could have heard them, soldiers from the trenches came towards me carrying a stretcher. As they put me on it all I could see through my blurred vision was a huge hole where Alan had been, 

"where is Alan" I shouted,

"he's dead" they said.

They put me on the stretcher and started talking me to the waiting ambulance, 

"slowly, there's mines" I shouted at them, they carried on and as we passed the hole I looked but couldn't see anything, there wasn't anything to see. As they carried me past the tank traps I could feel myself shaking uncontrollably as I was scared, scared that they would tread on one and that I would die.

The ambulance drove me to the hospital, it arrived and I got out as I knew that I could walk, one of the doctors examined me, I wished that Docy was there but he was somewhere else, they told me that I had to go to another hospital for a full examination as both my ear drums had been blown out and they couldn't do anything there, I went outside and a car screached to a halt, it was Kirk, he got out and came straight up to me and put his arms around me and I started to cry,

"Alan is dead, he couldn't see the mine, he wanted to die, he couldn't see the mines and I didn't have time to tell him where they were, why was he still on the front line, he couldn't see further than the end of his nose, how was he supposed to see the mines"I said while still crying,

I walked away from Kirk as I needed to stop crying, I needed to get myself together. The driver of the ambulance came up to me and took me to the car, I got in and we drove off, as we drove I looked out of the window thinking about why I hadn't stopped him in time, if I had got to him sooner then he may be still alive. We arrived at a different hospital and the doctors examined me that I should go to Osijek where they could check my ears and operate if needed,I got back into the car and he dropped me off at our house, I went in and Ivana just looked at me, there was nothing that she could say or do so I went to lay down. As I walked into the room I looked at Alan's bed and started to cry again, I couldn't help it, there was a need and now while I was alone was the right time. There was no way that I could sleep but I lay on my bed anyway, our recce had lasted no more than fifteen minutes but I thought about each of those minutes time and time again but there was no easy answer to it. The rest of the day was spent was spent with the rest of the men saying sorry, but although I was grateful it wouldn't make any difference Alan was dead. That afternoon I had calmed down enough to sit and talk about it, Kirk asked me what happened and I told him, Peter arrived and put his arms around me and I talked in english trying to hold back my emotions but even though I was talking english he seemed to understand, they told me that they had found Alan's body which was in a few parts which I understood as he had stepped on a mine meant for a tank not a person. When they had gone I went back into the house to sort out Alan's belongings, I put the papers and anything important in one pile and his uniform in another and then took them over to HQ where I put them in Kirk's office. It was about this time that an old friend from the press center turned up,

"I'm sorry, is there anything that I can do" he asked,

"no thanks" I replied,

We went through Alan's papers to find details of whom we should contact and he took all the relevant details saying that he would try and sort everything out. That night I tried to sleep but all I could think about was I had lost my last true friend from Laslovo, there was nothing in the room to remind me of the person that once slept in the bed opposite mine, I didn't sleep much that night as all I could think about was that Alan had wanted to die as a soldier and that’s exactly what happened.